Semester One - Done(ish)

The good, the bad, and the exhausting about going back to school

I can’t believe I read the whole thing - the whole thing being that massive stack of books which seemed such an impossible task when presented with this semester’s reading list way back last summer. I’ve just finished the last pair of readings (Peter Sloterdijk’s Stress and Freedom and The Crisis of Freedom, by Byung-chul Han) and, because we only had to submit a couple of questions for discussion (but no paper) prior to our final class discussion on Wednesday, I find myself at the end of the weekend with a moment to take a breath and reflect on my late-in-life return to school.

What was the hardest part?

To be honest, one of the worst aspects of returning to school was realizing how much one’s physical well-being contributes to being a successful student. Not that I’m ill or anything - just getting old. That means it’s hard to sit for long periods of time (necessary when reading, composing a weekly response paper, or attending a lengthy Zoom class). I have a bad hip that’s only getting worse and some annoying back and neck problems that make it physically uncomfortable to stay immobile in a chair for too long.

Then, there’s the matter of my eyesight. I’ve worn glasses since I was a little kid, but these days, my vision seems to be deteriorating at a scarily rapid rate. I have to wear an extra pair of reading glasses over the top of my regular glasses which does nothing to relieve the eye strain I experience after a long session of hitting the books.

What was the best part?

When my daughter first convinced me I should apply for grad school so we could take classes and do a degree together, I was worried about whether or not my mind was going to be able to handle a concentrated influx of ideas. Given that my mother suffered from an early onset dementia that robbed her of her intellect, I was concerned that if I were to be heading down a similar path I wouldn’t be able to follow the conversation or write any kind of semi-comprehensible papers. Fortunately, this doesn’t seem to have been the case. I may not have been the best and brightest in the class, but I held my own and for that, I am profoundly grateful!

The BEST part of the past few months was hands down, spending quality time with my daughter. Not only did we discuss the readings in advance of the weekly classes, but we also swapped papers, provided feedback on each other’s work and quietly rooted for each other during our Zoom classes. We’ve also recorded a semester’s worth of podcast episodes, now in editing and production, during which we discussed our return to school, our frustrations, and even (on our good weeks) what we had learned. It has been a fabulous experience to be spending so much time with Dani - we’ve always had a close relationship, but tackling this project together has given me a whole new appreciation for the intelligent, sensitive, and thoughtful woman whom I am proud to call my daughter.

Did I learn anything?

Well, yes and no. I realize that I live in a head full of questions. Each time I read some new perspective on whatever topic we happened to be exploring each week, I found myself generating endless lists of new questions. What does it mean to live a good life? What does it mean to be happy? What does freedom mean? How dangerous is AI? How important is it to spend time in nature doing nothing? What is the relationship between money and power? Who was the first person to come up with the idea of property ownership? Are the ancients irrelevant?

Maybe the most important thing I took away from all this brain-melting thinking was that philosophy isn’t a complete waste of time. I may not have indulged in a ton of philosophical musing before now (in fact, I may have been known to use the term ‘navel-gazing’ before my newfound enlightenment), but now I’m eager to keep learning and then, maybe at some point, be able to formulate a theory or two of my own to toss into the navel melting pot.

Am I looking forward to next semester?

YES!! A resounding, YES! Despite the amount of work and how uneasy I felt when I began, I am LOVING being a student again. And, weirdly, all this reading is making me think seriously about what it is I might want to write about - you know, when I have some more time. This feels like preparation for - something. I have no idea what. But how cool, to be beginning at an age where my grandmother was preparing to die. Not that she was sick, either - but to her mind, once one hit 60, it was basically time to start counting the days until you drew your last breath.

She lasted more than 30 years after she decided she was playing her final hand. If my last chapter lasts that long, well - I’ve got lots of time to tackle many more stacks of meaty books before I’m done.

I found this in a file folder of Dad’s… no idea when or why he made it, but I like it!

BTW - I have not forgotten about the original reason I started this Substack. I have been going through Dad’s papers and sketches (and notebooks and paintings and letters and whatnot) and have been managing to come up with a handful of sketches, drawings, and cartoons of my own… Composing newsletters has been a bit of a challenge over the past several weeks, but fear not… the work continues. Thanks for hanging in there and continuing to follow along.